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Tuesday, December 27, 2011

2011 Christmas Newsletter (Lame Edition)

Christmas is out of the way and we don't have anything around the house leaking or exploding at  the moment, so while I have a free moment, I'll post the finished Christmas newsletter.

First, however, I want to explain that I am not particularly pleased with the final result. Hopefully, at a later date, I will post the newsletter I had hoped to write, but for now, you'll have to settle for this substandard offering.


Welcome once again to the Beers Family Christmas Newsletter (2011 Edition). I just ate one of my patented Newsletter Sandwiches (peanut butter and jelly with a handful of M&Ms thrown in) so this should be a good one. While we wait for the sandwich to kick in, let's get the boring stuff out of the way.

Betsy dealt Hollywood a staggering blow this year when she announced that the latest Twilight movie wasn't very good. Experts attribute the statement to stress and paint fumes. Matt attributes it to common sense finally kicking in.

Speaking of Matt, he is currently training for some crazy obstacle course/race thingy (he's not 100% sure what it is, exactly) and is on a strict diet of pickles and Coke Zero (I caught him eyeballing my Newsletter Sandwich, though).

Jack, seven, is doing well at his new school. He has unionized the bullies and they are currently on strike until the nerds start carrying more lunch money.

Macy, four, is afraid to flush the toilets or even turn on the faucet for fear that something will explode. She's got Crazy Cat Lady written all over her.

Zoe, two, struts around the house like she owns the place, which, due to some not-so-Kosher paperwork, she does. Let's see the bank repossess a house from a toddler!

You know what? I forgot to mention that the Beers family recently moved into a new house. That's kind of a big one. C'mon, Newsletter Sandwich! Do your job!

The Beers family recently moved into a new house. Well, it was new in 1968. Anyway, it's very large and sometimes not as agreeable as some of the homes Matt and Betsy have owned in the past. For example, the gutters needed replaced. And the roof, too. And a few pipes. And an entire bathroom which Matt refuses to take the blame for and which may be responsible for Macy's fear of exploding bathroom plumbing.

Moving on...

The Colts suck this year.

Betsy, always the go-getter... or is it "go get her"? 'Cause that would be weird... and awesome... and then back to weird. Anyway, Betsy painted the kitchen cabinets and they look awesome. The kids disagree, but they've only seen them from the inside, which Betsy didn't paint.

Jack wrote a Thanksgiving essay on what he was thankful for: gravity. He'll be writing the 2012 newsletter, if the Mayans haven't killed us all by then.

As alluded to earlier, Matt broke an entire bathroom when he tried to turn off the water. You can't possibly get more ironic than that.

Macy claims that her father doesn't know how to do anything. Her father agrees. He has a new bathroom to prove it.

Zoe spends most of her time being agreeable and cute, which is wonderful in real life, but remarkably boring in a newsletter.

Betsy and Matt recently bought a king-sized mattress. They've had to learn semaphore in order to communicate with one another, it's that big.

Matt is suspicious of the squirrels living on his property. He's convinced that they communicate with one another and that they're saying mean things about his clothes, which are pretty lame, he admits, but it's still extremely rude of the squirrels who.

Macy and Zoe have formed a rap duo called the Mother Effin' Buttons. I don't even pretend to understand anymore.

Jack has been trying to "wake the trees" ever since reading the Chronicles of Narnia, which is better than trying to start a national revolution like he did when he read Les Miserables. He was so close, too. He started the Occupy Wall Street thing and then got bored. Cut him some slack. He's only seven.

Betsy has taken up stock-car driving and chewing tobacco. Not at the same time. Safety first.

While exploring the attic in his new house, Matt discovered, among many, many other things, what at first glance appeared to be a diving bell or a space helmet but in actuality turned out to be an enormous plastic hamster ball. The inside was covered with racist graffiti and tally marks.

I am totally being swarmed by fruit flies, right now.

Macy has somehow developed an exceptional sense of smell, which is about the lamest super-power ever. Even Aqua Man would make fun of that.

Oh, you know what? There's just one fruit fly, but it's really fast.

I usually do a haiku right about here, so that's what I'll do right about here:

There is an actress.
Her name: Vivian Pickles.
Vivian... Pickles.

Well, that does it for my yearly holiday obligation. From the Beers family to yours, or if you don't have a family pass it on to someone who does (and try not to be a whiner about it... nobody likes a Gloomy Gus at Christmas), Merry Christmas!


Thank you,
      Matt Beers

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