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Tuesday, January 10, 2012

This was written out of love, but I'm still probably going to get in trouble for it.

I frequently write things on Facebook that horrify my wife. Sometimes it's on purpose. Sometimes it's not. But I typically try to be sensitive to her feelings whether she believes that or not.

(I was going to write a whole bit about how I never harass her for the things she says in public because she's an adult and she's allowed to say whatever retarded thing she wants to say and I, as her husband, am prepared to deal with the consequences, but this post isn't about me being more understanding than her. I'll save that for later.)

That made me wonder, apart from occasionally refraining from making indecent remarks on Facebook (and in all other public places for that matter,), how else have I changed because of my wife? So I made a list. Here it is:

Because of my wife I...

take a multi-vitamin,
have a mattress pad,
have an actual bed,
had oatmeal for breakfast instead of donuts and chocolate milk,
have Q-tips,
don't have a mustache,
don't have a beard down to my crotch,
own an appropriate amount of Star Wars apparel,
stick up for myself,
keep in touch with my family,
have been to the Grand Canyon,
have more than two friends,
watch my language,
don't live with my mother,
drive a vehicle that doesn't need to be hot-wired daily,
eat salad occasionally,
don't feel bad about being bald,
don't spend ALL of my money on comic books and video games,
have three above-average kids,
keep my clothes in a dresser instead of a cardboard box,
never have to substitute anything weird for toilet paper,
have a bath mat,
actually change lightbulbs when they go out instead of just Helen-Kellering my way around the room,
have learned to judge for myself when an item of clothing is still wearable and when it needs to be laundered,
understand that, just because you CAN cut a hole in the wall to make a super-cool tunnel, doesn't mean you SHOULD,
have learned the benefit of fixing a problem rather than living with it,
have learned that I canNOT, under any circumstances, multitask,
don't usually burn things unless I have a good excuse OR unless I'm outside,
have three drawers in my kitchen filled with things I cannot identify but which are vital possessions if I ever want my food to be edible (this is purely heresay),
have 11,000 photographs of everything I've done since I met her,
understand that there are acceptable as well as unacceptable smells produced by the human body and my body is incapable of producing the acceptable kinds.

As you can see, this list isn't a list of favors and chores that I do grudgingly on behalf of my weak, nagging, feeble wife, but improvements that have been made to my life in general because of her. Except for those weird kitchen utensils. Those just seem like extra baggage.

Thank you,
      Matt Beers

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