Green eggs and crack.

I've decided to start a campaign to get all of Dr. Seuss's books pulled from the school library. I believe that Theodore Geisel, a.k.a., "Dr. Suess," was working for the Soviets and the Satanic church at the time his books were published. I have evidence.

While reading the timeless classic "Green Eggs and Ham," I noticed something rather peculiar about the behavior of the the two main characters. You'll remember that one character, "Sam, I Am," pursues a second character, unnamed, in an effort to introduce him to a new culinary treat, green eggs and ham. Alas, the unnamed character (heretofore referred to as "Not Sam") has determined that he does not like green eggs and ham and has no desire to try them. In a civilized world this would be the end of it. But Dr. Seuss is relentless, as is his "hero," Sam. Sam is deaf to the complaints of Not Sam. In fact, he not only applies an absurd amount of pressure, suggesting ludicrous situations in which Not Sam might prefer to try the offered food, but he physically pursues him across the countryside. This, I'm sure you will agree, constitutes flagrant harassment. And if that weren't enough, add vehicular assault, endangerment, reckless driving, invasion of privacy, destruction of property, criminal confinement, and improper use of a goat. And in the end, what can Not Sam do but give in to the peer pressure? And the lesson learned? You know that scary stuff the drug dealers are trying to get you to try on the playground? Well, it isn't scary at all. It's pretty darn awesome.

WHAT KIND OF BULLCRAP IS THAT? This is obviously a plot by our cold-war enemies and the Devil to turn our children away from the paths of morality and plummet this fine nation into a downward spiral from which it may never climb.

I recommend pulling all of Theodore Geisel's work from our schools' shelves until a thorough examination can be completed on all of them. Or until we can burn them all.

I am not crazy.

Thank you,
Matt Beers