The Englige languash and how to murder the crap out of it.

I love words. If used by the right person, they are everything. But the problem is that they are free to use by just about everyone, and not everyone really knows how to use words properly. I'm not talking about grammar. I used to be rather snobbish when it came to grammar, but the older I get and the more distant high-school gets, the less I remember and the less I care. It's like apostrophes. Whose idea were those? And semi-colons? Really? Just start a new sentence, man. There are loads of useless knick-knacks on the grammar shelf and I've decided that I don't need them anymore.

I like to put my rebellion into practice by changing letters around in words and words around in sentences. For example, "I came as soon as I heard," becomes "I same as coon as I heard." (I don't plan them out, exactly, so that's the best example I could come up with on short notice. It sucks, I know. Just take it and move on.) If you aren't reading carefully you won't notice it, but if you ARE reading carefully, you'll spot it right away and assume that I've been drinking. If you're REALLY reading carefully you'll know that it's just me being immature. If you're really, REALLY reading carefully you're probably reading something other than this blog. I don't think my writing requires that much scrutiny.

Anyway, I say things I don't mean sometimes because I think they might be funny, but more often than not they're just inappropriate... which is why I thought they were funny in the first place... so I'm kind of used to people not getting the joke. But usually it results in people thinking I'm a tremendous jerk. I can live with that because sometimes it's true. But for people to read a phrase that I've purposely mutated and to think it's a typo or just the act of a very slow individual... I'm a little too proud for that. Pretending to be stupid is only funny if someone else is in on the joke and I don't have the resources to have people everywhere explaining to my readers (who number in the thousandths, I'm sure) that I'm really a very capable and intelligent individual who doesn't always re-read his work and sometimes likes to pretend to be dumb.

I will now write a haiku. (And I know that a haiku should, if it intends to be a true haiku, be about nature, but I'm choosing to break that rule because I'm from Indiana where we try to ignore our nature whenever possible.)

I am done writing.
I think I'm going to use
the restroom instead.

Thank you,
Matt Beers