Today a very strange and random thing happened.
While having my daily pant-poop (which, as its name implies, I do daily) I noticed a squirrel perched on top of the van on which I was also perched. Not only was the squirrel perched, but it was parched, as well. Not being one to ignore a parched percher, I gave it a drink of water from my Lone Ranger canteen. I never go ANYwhere without it. The squirrel, perched and parched though it was, smelled of the water and pulled back, disgusted.
"What's the matter," I said. "Don't you like water?"
"No," said the squirrel. "And I don't like you, either. You'd better watch yourself. We're wanted men." (I didn't have the heart to tell him he was alone.) "I have the death-sentence on twelve systems."
"I'll be careful," I said.
"You'll be dead!" said the squirrel.
At this point I looked around for someone to jump in and cut the squirrel's arm off with a lightsaber, but no luck. The squirrel jumped on my face and started clawing madly. Had I not already done so, I would have pooped my pants.
Just then a very fat pelican landed on a nearby tree and squawked loudly in our direction. I won't say that it squawked at us, exactly, but it was certainly squawking in our direction. The squirrel stopped for a moment and we both looked at the pelican. Then the squirrel said, "That's no moon."
I offered the pelican a drink from my canteen, but he just shot a fireball at us... which is a thing I didn't know pelicans could do. And then I ran... which is a thing I didn't know I could do.
As we ran, we passed a mailbox that had recently been used by a moose. I knew that it had recently been used by a moose because the moose in question had one leg still stuck in the mailbox. Now, I'm no expert on postal law, but this looked bad, and understanding the moose's predicament, I decided to lend a hand, or more precisely, a squirrel. The squirrel responded, "But I was going to Toshi Station to pick up some power converters!"
I'll be perfectly and completely truthful here, people. I didn't have the moose's well-being in mind at all when I handed him that squirrel. I was just trying to shed some extra weight so I could get away from that crazy pelican. And it worked because here I am, safe and sound, telling you this completely true and unfabricated story.
Thank you,
Matt Beers
ok, ya got me to come out of the shadows. I went to college with your sister Michelle and awhile back she posted a link to your blog. I now read it religiously, as long as it shows up in the last 5 postings on my "friends & favorites" widget.
ReplyDeleteIf I categorize your blog as "hilarious" will it be too much for your humility to take? after so many mommy blogs and deep spiritual insight blogs, your regular commentary on various random unrelated thoughts is so refreshing.
you may tell me stories of talking squirrels and fire-breathing pelicans, or flying backyard tent-things, any day of the week.
thank you.
Thank you, Krista, for the much-appreciated encouragement.
ReplyDeleteWhat she said. Minus knowing your sister, but hey, who knows what the future holds.
ReplyDeleteTony- What I said again, but about what you said.
ReplyDeleteSo what kind of Kool-aid were you drinking today?
ReplyDelete